Network latency is real. If you build systems that communicate on the same machine or the same local area network, then you probably don't feel the pain, but the moment you start distributing your systems across multiple data centers that pesky speed of light limit starts to rear its head. In this talk I'll teach you how to laugh in the face of physics, building systems that give you the performance you need, spanning across the globe. Using real-world lessons learned from building and operating DNSimple, I'll show you how to decide what tradeoffs you have to make to meet the needs of your customers, developers, and operators. By the time we're done, you'll have a better understanding of design techniques that you can use to make your systems perform well, even if they are spread across the planet.